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Thread: Hunting jokes

  1. #1
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    Default Hunting jokes

    I have found a new hunting jokes book on amazon.com. I think that's the first hunting jokes book.

  2. #2
    webmaster Michael Strahan's Avatar
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    Default Great idea!

    I thought this was gonna be a thread on hunting jokes... sounds good to me, I could use a little humor! BTW- could you post the link to the book!

    Well, here's one from Kodiak Island that I sent out the other day... Apparently it's a true story, so apologies to the families involved and whatnot.

    Years ago a man from Russia and his buddy from the Czech Republic were fishing on Kodiak Island, when, tragically, they were attacked by two brown bears (a boar and a sow) they'd surprised at close range along the river. The German fled the area unharmed, eventually contacting the Troopers. An officer arrived on the scene with the German fisherman and all that was left of his friend was a fishing rod, a tackle box and a pair of polarized glasses. Unsure of which bear had killed and eaten the man, the Trooper shot both bears. It was only when the bears were gutted that he discovered that the Czech was in the male....

    hehe

    -Mike
    LOST CREEK COMPANY: Specializing in Alaska hunt consultation and planning for do-it-yourself hunts, fully outfitted hunts, and guided hunts.
    CLICK HERE to send me a private message.
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    "Dream big, and dare to fail." -Norman Vaughan
    "I have climbed my mountain, but I must still live my life." - Tenzig Norgay

  3. #3
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    Default another joke

    sorry in advance for the length.....
    so my friend back in iowa pretty much lives at the skeet range. he's financially loaded and has the best of everything. shoots a hundred straight more often than not. the problem is he brags all the time about his purdy shotguns or some safari he just got back from etc...and the other fellas don't have the same tolerance for him that i do. the only thing the other fellas can do is talk about their hunting dogs b/c my buddy didn't have one and it shut him up. anyway, my buddy ever seeking the upper hand had to get a bird dog. well, there was an add in the paper that said "for sale-best hunting dog in the world". now that was a pretty big claim even if it wasn't true and a phone call was made. an old farmer in marshalltown iowa said to come out and look at his hunting dog. my buddy gets there, knocks on the door and an old man pointed at a mangy mixed something digging under the barn. while it obviously wasn't the pedigree my buddy expected, he did make the trip and thought he'd like to see what made the mutt so great. so the farmer and my buddy got in the truck the dog jumped through the open window getting mud all over my buddy and the drove out to a cut cornfield with weeds around the fenceline. a couple sloughs, and a creek. when they stoppped, the dog jumped back out the window and took off. after running all over the field, the dog returned and barked 3 times. "what in blazes is that all about?" he asked. the farmer calmly explained there were 3 rooster pheasants in that field not 1 more or less. "you mean because the dog barked 3 times?" my buddy asked. the farmer said yes and they could check to see if he wanted. well they kicked every bush out there and there were exactly 3 roosters-no more no less. well my buddy isn't stupid and suspiciously thought the farmer already knew his field and asked to see him do it again in another filed. so the drive down the road, the dog jumps out the window into another field and comes back later and barks 4 times. the farmer and my buddy check it out and again the dog was right on with 4 rooster pheasants. now my buddy starts thinking he's maybe got the best dog in the world and all and those guys back at the club will really be jealous. he just wants to see it 1 more time. well they drive to another field the dog jumps out the windowagain, runs all over, comes back and picks up a stick and starts shaking it and then goes up to my buddy and starts hunping his leg. "now what's all this? " my buddy asks, and the farmer says that means, "there are more $#%* birds out there than you can shake a stick at

  4. #4

    Talking

    The old mans sittin on the porch when a young boy walks by with his fishin pole, the old man yells out "What ya got t'ere boy?" Boy says "My cat fishin pole goin ta get supper." 45 minutes later the boy comes back by with a string a big catfish.

    The next day the boy walks by with a roll of tape. The old man yells out "What ya got t'ere boy?" Boy says "Duck tape goin ta get supper." Hour goes by the boy returns with half dozen ducks. Old man just shakes his head can't belive it.

    Next day the boy walks by carrying a roll of chicken wire. Old man yells out "What ya got t'ere boy?' Boy says "Chicken wire going ta get supper." Hour goes by no boy another half hour here comes the boy with 3 chickens old man says "Boy ya got some kinda luck." Boy says "Ya every body says it ain't gonna work but always does"

    The next day the old man sees the boy coming with some switches in his hand so he yells out "Boy what ya got there?"

    Boy says "I got me some ***** willows." Old man says "Hold up t'ere boy I'ma coming with ya."

  5. #5

    Default Rabbit Hunting

    A man was hunting rabbits in the woods where the boundries of Indiana, Illinois and Kentucky meet. Many hunters become disoriented in these thick woods and if they are not careful, they can get fined for hunting in a state that they do not have a license for. The man only had a licence to hunt in Indiana and Illinois, not Kentucky. He ended up taking 3 rabbits that day, although he couldn't say for sure that none of them were taken from Kentucky by mistake-as he had gotten turned around in the woods a time or two. At the end of the day, a game warden stopped the man and said, "Let me see your license". The man shows him his illinois and Indiana licenses. The game warden said, "I'm gonna need to check those rabbits and make sure you didn't shoot any from Kentucky." So the game warden picks up the first rabbit, holds the rabbit's butt up to his nose, takes a deep whiff and exclaims, "Yup, that's a illinois rabbit alright!" He proceeds to pick up the second rabbit, holds the rabbit's butt up to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "This rabbit is definately from Indiana. Let me check this last rabbit." He picks up the third rabbit and proceeds to whiff the rabbit's butt. He says, "I'm sorry, but this rabbit is from Kentucky and it appears you only have licences for Illinois and Indiana. I'm going to have to write you a ticket." The game warden started to fill out the ticket and ask the man, "And where are you from?" At this the man drops his pants, bends over and says, "You tell me!"

  6. #6
    Member sbiinc's Avatar
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    Default bear attack

    So there this agnostic is, hiking through the woods, when a bear come out of the brush. The agnostic starts backing up and the bear keeps coming closer, so he turns and runs. Looking over his shoulder he sees the bear continuing the chase.
    In a moment of desperation he calls out to God to save him. A flash of light and all time has stopped. God tells him "So you've been ignoring my existence all your life and now you want me to save you?". The agnostic replies "Well I guess your right, it isn't exactly fair, but if you'd do me this one favor I'll worship you the rest of my life... Or perhaps you could just make the bear a christian?". God thinks a second and says "Sure that sounds fair."
    So time resumes and the bear comes to a screeching halt, then puts his paws together and looks heavenward and says "Dear Lord, please bless this meal I am about to recieve".

  7. #7
    Member keelermk's Avatar
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    Smile Bow legged doe

    What'd the bow legged doe say?

    Thats the last time I do that for ten bucks!
    IF GUNS KILL PEOPLE THEN CAN I BLAME MY PENCIL FOR MISSPELLED WORDS?

  8. #8
    Member 4x4's Avatar
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    Default Good knee slapper!

    Fish & game was do'n a random check on a hunting camp & notices the camp cook grill'n a fresh seagull on the barbi, Warden tells them that its illegal to shoot & kill seagulls, That there not an endangered species but a protected species, But since your cook'n & eat'n it, I'll let you off with a warning, As the warden starts to leave he ask's, By the way what does seagull taste like anyway? They answer back; "Well its kind of a cross between a spotted owl & a bald eagle" ha, ha, ha, ha!!

  9. #9
    Member Erik in AK's Avatar
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    Default

    This sheep guide had a difficult client, a successfull personal injury lawyer from L.A. After ten days of complaining about having to climb to the rams they were seeing and not killing one, the attorney says to the guide "Look I don't care how much it costs...I want a ram. Take me anywhere where I can get close to one without have to climb."
    The guide, needing the money, agrees to take him to his "secret spot" with the warning that they'll have to camp out on a glacier.
    The next day the guide flys his very demanding and out of shape client into the secret spot and they see a HUGE ram but weather is moving in and the winds are all wrong for landing. After a couple of attempts the guide says it's too risky and they'll have to try again tomorrow.
    The client screams at him to land and says he doesn't care if they crash and that he'll buy the guide a new airplane no matter how much it costs.

    The guide trys to land on the glacier a third time and crashes hard, landing upside down on the ice. Both the guide and attorney are injured but conscious.
    Ever confident in his ability to buy his way out of trouble, the client digs the Sat phone from his daypack and calls 911. "Send help we've crashed and are hurt bad." Giving their location to the dispatcher he adds "I'm a very wealthy attorney...l'll pay for it no matter what it costs"
    He manages to get himself and the guide out of the stricken plane and onto the glacier just as the weather turns worse enough to keep the rescue chopper grounded

    As the night wears on severe hypothermia sets in.

    During its later stages the two men, dilerious, wandered away from each other, stripping off their clothes which blew away in the storm. Sadly both men succumb to the cold.

    Two days later the weather lifts enough for a S&R team to make to the crash site. After a brief search they find one of the men partially frozen but perfectly intact. A while later they find a gruesome but amazing sight...the other man had been worked over by scavengers badly, his skeleton nearly picked clean. There was no evidence of bear, wolf or wolverine tracks. Nothing but raven tracks.

    "Omigod!" exclaims a S&R rookie "How do we tell them apart?!"
    "This one here must be the guide." says the team leader
    "How can you possibly know that from looking a bloody skeleton?" asks the rookie
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    "Easy...even ravens don't eat sh#t"

  10. #10
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    Default

    A hunter was shooting ducks last season along a fencline. The side of the fence he was on was his own property and on the other was a rich attorneys property, and he hated hunters. The hunter shot a duck and it dropped on the attorneys property. He tried to be sneaky, but while picking up the duck, the attorney came roaring up in his brand new Mercedes SUV. 'Gimme that duck, its on my property'

    The hunter replied, 'Yes, but I shot it. How bout we settle this the way all hunters settle these situations. We'll each take three swings at each other, the one who can still stand afterwards gets the duck.'

    Since the hunter was a bit on the scrawny side, and he's big and burly, the attorney readily agreed, thinking he was gonna get the chance to beat the crap out of a hunter. The hunter puts his gun down and rolled up his sleaves and kicked the attorney in the groin as hard as he could. The attorney buckles over and while he was coughing the hunter lands a uppercut and knocked out a few of his teeth. The attorney, falling to the the ground gets caught by a swift kick to the gut. Staggering to his feet, coughing and spitting blood, the attorney says, 'Okay you *********, now it's my turn"

    The hunter says, 'Aw, thats okay, you can have the duck'.

  11. #11

    Default

    We were sittin at the bar and the warden walks in and says "who owns the truck with the bear in the back?" ME! I yelled. he asks me, "how many times ya shoot that thing?" just once I replied. "hmm?" he said, " why does it have 3 holes in it then?" I told him heck, it was a lucky shot I guess, he coverd his eyes with both paws and I shot him in the face. "you mean to tell me he just put both paws up?".......yup, john shined the light and I did the shooting.

  12. #12

    Default

    so we were tossin' dupont spinners in the lake and the warden walks up and says how did you catch all those fish? so I lit a fuse on a stick of dynamite and handed it to him. He starts yelling and screaming, I said hey you gonna scream and holler or you gonna fish?

  13. #13
    Member WinMag_300's Avatar
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    Talking Duck Hunting in Nebraska

    A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Nebraska. He
    shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up
    on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
    The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming
    over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
    U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Nebraska. We settle small disagreements like this with the Nebraska "Three Kick Rule."

    The lawyer asked, "What is the Nebraska Three Kick Rule?"

    The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you
    kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
    that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
    custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into
    the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly
    ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.
    Thank you."
    A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone. - Henry David Thoreau

  14. #14
    Member WinMag_300's Avatar
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    Default Elk Hunters

    Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

    Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

    "I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"
    A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone. - Henry David Thoreau

  15. #15

    Default Fishing Joke - X Marks the Spot

    Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend,

    "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."

    The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"

    His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."

    The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

  16. #16
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by vepar View Post
    I have found a new hunting jokes book on amazon.com. I think that's the first hunting jokes book.
    You can see it on: http://www.amazon.com/Hunting-Jokes-...e=UTF8&s=books

  17. #17
    New member AKDSLDOG's Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by WinMag_300 View Post
    A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Nebraska. He
    shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up
    on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
    The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming
    over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
    U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Nebraska. We settle small disagreements like this with the Nebraska "Three Kick Rule."

    The lawyer asked, "What is the Nebraska Three Kick Rule?"

    The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you
    kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
    that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
    custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into
    the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly
    ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.
    Thank you."
    I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT ONE!!!!!!!!! LMAO, not to sure if anyone had heard it.

  18. #18
    Member 4x4's Avatar
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    Default decent knee slapper!

    A guy walks into a bar down in the deep south, florida and orders a beer, All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the North.The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"The guy says, "No, I'm from Alaska"The bartender says, "What do you do in Alaska?"The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?""No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us!"

  19. #19
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    Default joke

    One morning, a father and his young son were in the forest hunting rabbits. After about an hour, they finally came across some rabbit tracks. In between the tracks, there were these little round brown pellets, and the son said to his father, "Dad, what are those?"

    The father replied, "Those are smart pills. Try a couple." So the kid grabbed a couple of them and put them in his mouth. The boy made a funny face and said to his dad, "Ewww! Yuk! They taste like s**t."

    The father replied, "See, you're getting smarter already."

  20. #20
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    Default joke

    A married couple went on a fishing trip. The husband went out on the lake with his boat and equipment, while the wife took a nap in the cabin. Later that afternoon, the husband returns to take a nap. So, the wife takes the boat to the middle of the lake, takes out a book and starts reading.

    After a while a game warden comes along in his boat and tells her that she is in a restricted fishing area. She says that she is not fishing, just reading a book.

    "But, you have all this fishing equipment, so I will have to fine you." said the game warden.

    She replied, "Do that, and I'll have you arrested for rape."

    "But lady! I haven't touched you!" exclaimed the game warden.

    At which she replied, "Yes. But, YOU have all the right equipment."

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