A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
Guy comes back from a hunting trip, complaining to his wife that it rained and snowed, the wind blew, and the put in long days, day after day and never saw any game. Then he added "You know honey, I appreciate your help before I left, but in the future I'm going to have to do all my own packing. With all that going on, you forgot to pack my socks!
She looked at him a minute, then said "But honey, I did pack your extra socks. They were in your gun case."
in case anyone hasn't heard it
2 moose hunters hire for a floatplane dropoff on a remote lake. the pilot reminds them he'll be back in a week and they can only take 1 moose betweeen them for the max load. they assure him they have done this before and wave goodbye. when the pilot returns to the lake a week later, the 2 hunters have 2 moose racks, 2 capes and 2 sets of gamebags waiting by the shoreline. when the pilot began to complain, the hunters interrupted and said they got 2 moose previously and loaded them in the same type aircraft on floats. the pilot shrugged acceptingly and their gear and game were loaded up. the plane lifted and flew above the water about 1000 feet before running out of power and they crashed into the muskeg. the pilot turned around in the wrecked plane and criticized the hunters for lying to him about taking off with 2 moose. the hunters said, "no it's true, and this year we made it about 300 feet further!!!"
happy new year
Guys driving down the road and he got a load of Live Elk in the back of his truck. He is speeding and a cop sees him and pulls him over...
Cop walks up to the car and says: "Howdy, I see you have a load of Elk in the back of your truck.... What in tarnation are you doin' with all these critters...and why are you going so fast"?
Guy says "I'm taking them to the zoo, officer. The zoo closes at 5:00 pm and I need to get them there."
Cop sees that it is 4:00 pm and the zoo is over 40 miles away. He lets the guy off with a warning to slow down and drive safely with a load of live animals.
Guy thanks the cop and proceeds to the zoo.
Very next day the same guy is speeding down the road with the same load of Elk. Same cop sees him again and can't beleive it. He pulls the guy over again...
What are you still doing with these Elk? You told me you took these animals to the zoo yesterday....
I did take them to the zoo yesterday officer...and today were are going to see a movie!
Two friends go bowhunting together and a huge buck walks between their stands. The one guy shoots and the arrow skips off the rack and strikes his friend in the leg. His friend falls out of his treestand unconscious and the big buck runs off. The guy hurries down from his stand and rushes his hunting buddy to the hospital. After a 2 hour wait the doctor comes into the waiting room. The guy asks, "How is he doctor?" The doctor says, "Well he would have stood a better chance if you would not have field-dressed him first".
an atheist is walking through the woods, admiring how nature has evolved into what it has become.
just then, he hears a noise behind him. when he turns to look, he sees a large hungry bear looking at him through the bushes. not knowing what to do, he runs away as fast as he can, and the bear follows suit. every time the atheist turns to look, the bear is closer. when the bear is almost upon him, he turns to look and trips over a rock.
the bear looms over him and lifts a large paw to strike.
at this, the atheist cries out "Oh God! Please help me!"
time stops. the bear is frozen in his stance.
a booming voice echos "Can it be? After all these years of denouncing me and telling everyone that I don't exist, you call upon Me for help. It just doesn't seem right, now does it?"
"Well, i guess not. But God, even though i don't deserve it, can i ask for one favor?"
"What did you have in mind?"
"If you won't get rid of the bear, then could you at least make sure he is a Christian?"
suddenly, the noises of the forest come back to life. the atheist looks up at the bear.
amazingly, the bear lowers his paw. then he closes his eyes, and says:
"Dear Lord, for these gifts we are about to recieve, may we be truly thankful" ...
An old redneck is down by the lake fishing for crappie (or white perch for those of you who don't know what a crappie is). He has a 48 qt cooler FULL of 'em when a game warden walks up and asks to see the contents of the cooler.
"sir,"says the GW "that's way to many fish. you're way over your daily limit. i'm gonna have to give you a citation and confiscate all of your gear."
"oh, no sir. i'm not fishing. these are my pet crappie. you see, every evening, i bring 'em down here to the lake for an evening swim, much like you would take your dog for an evening walk. i bring 'em down here, let 'em out to swim for about 20 minutes, then i whistle for 'em and they all come swimming back and jump into the cooler. we do it all the time."
"this i've gotta see."
so the redneck lets all the fish gently into the water and watches them go swimming.
15 minutes goes by. then 20, then 30. after an hour, the game warden gets a little frustrated. "So, where are all your fish, old man?"
True story, but fishing
5 years ago, I was visiting my "future sister and brother and law" in Anchorage, we went out on a boat with a friend out of seward, I had to P so I ask whats best, they told me the bucket if you really need it, but "you" will clean it out, if you have to P, just go over the side,,,,,here in Alaska we call it "CHUMMING"
Long story short, Now I'm with my future inlaws on a guided silver trip in a beautiful 30' boat, with a full head, I have to P, figured I'd ask the captain, "CAPTAIN, I HAVE TO DO SOME CHUMMING, SHOULD I USE THE HEAD"
"CAPTAIN:::!@$$#@$$ NO JUST DO IT OFF THE BACK OF THE BOAT"
So I proceed to go out the back of the boat "open bow" and relieve myself, basically in front of everyone, Which kind of alarmed my now mother in law, as well as my wife.
The captain looked back and say "What the heck are you doing???,,,,I tell him I'm doing what you told me, you told me to chum off the back!!!!
CAPTIAN:;;;;;;; YOU DUMB #$$%#$ I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO THROW UP!!!!
Still married, but thats my funniest AK story, chumming must mean different things, place to place
Guy gets up an hour befor light to go hunting. He loads his truck, opens the garage and sees that it's raining, windy & cold. Downright MISERABLE!
He closes the garage, strips naked, and with a wholly different motivation, jumps back in bed and snuggles up to his wife. He whispers to her, "It is MISERABLE outside!"
To which she replies:...."Can you believe my stupid husband is out HUNTING in that $chitt!"