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Thread: This about sums things up on tools

  1. #1
    Sponsor potbuilder's Avatar
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    Default This about sums things up on tools

    TOOLS EXPLAINED

    SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.
    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh ****'.
    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
    where nothing could get to it.
    ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used for the creation of blood-blisters.
    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
    VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shed and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles to test wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal !!
    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the waste bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.
    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
    COMMON SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
    PVC PIPE CUTTER: A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.
    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
    BIGGER HAMMER: Same as a normal hammer but larger in size and weight. Used to make things that don't fit, fit.
    UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and sice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
    SON OF A ***** TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

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  2. #2

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    LOL YUP I can relate!

  3. #3
    Member cdubbin's Avatar
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    Ha! Nice ....reminds me of the time a belt sander ate my sweatshirt on a cabinet install....my boss had to take it apart, still attached to me, while the homeowner watched....another time, I got locked inside the tool trailer and had to wait 20 minutes for someone to come let me out....I could go on and on.....lol
    " Gas boats are bad enough, autos are an invention of the devil, and airplanes are worse." ~Allen Hasselborg

  4. #4
    Member pacific23's Avatar
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    Table Saw..... Hurt......BAD....Took a few minutes to start breathing again.
    I'm 6'-2" and my crotch is work bench high if that tells you anything!
    The boys are still there but man they weren't liking that hit. Always stand at an angle to the saw blade now.

  5. #5

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    Love this. I read it to my father-in-law, he had a few contributions to add...but I only recall one well enough to post it.

    Pipe wrench: a tool used on a pipe outside the building to unscrew a pipe from a fitting inside the building wall...
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  6. #6
    Moderator LuJon's Avatar
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    Putty Knife: used to smear mud unevenly over a patch in drywall after cutting a hole out with the "utility knife" to retrieve your "son of a *****" tool"...

  7. #7
    Moderator LuJon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Troy Hamon View Post

    Pipe wrench: a tool used on a pipe outside the building to unscrew a pipe from a fitting inside the building wall...
    Also employed to crack the pipe dope on every junction of a circuit except the one where the leak exists

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